Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
