I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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