now i know why i became what i already was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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