go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
