It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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