you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
