Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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