My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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