ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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