I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
