Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My vagina just recognized that song.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
