I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
