Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
