Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
