Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
