its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
