And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
