Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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