i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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