I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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