When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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