I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
