My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
