is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
