weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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