walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
