Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
