I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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