I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
