My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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