what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
