John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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