I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
