I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Alive.
So much puke
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
