I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
