Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
