My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
