gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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