I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
