I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm both gender and math confused
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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