Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
