Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
