I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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