My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
