i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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