chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
