I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
