The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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