All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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