i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
