I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
