Sry I called you an 8
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
