he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
