He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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